You’d think it would be something that, by now, I could do with my eyes closed. I’d had a good night’s sleep and was feeling great after my shower. Just to point out that I had no brilliant excuses of any kind. It was time to get dressed and get a move on. Off I go to get myself a panty and start the process of getting dressed. I always start with my panties. I keep them in my closet but very rarely put them on in my closet. I pull one out and for some reason walk back to my bedroom to put them on before walking back to the closet to get the next item of clothing that I’ll be putting on. My closet is between my bedroom and my bathroom. I walked back close to my bed and turned to face the bathroom to put my panties on. I got the one leg in the appropriate hole this time (I don’t always). I think I always start with the right leg. Now it was time for the left leg. Somehow, while trying to get the left leg in, my foot got stuck in the hole and I couldn’t get it in or out.
Now this doesn’t seem like a big problem but somehow it was. I have my panty halfway up my thighs with one leg fully through the one hole and as I’m holding on to the panties, like I always do, I’m perched in my panty like a friggen flamingo on one leg. It was still too early in the day and I did my best to maintain some sort of zen posture, or master the frontward facing flamingo pose but alas, I lost my balance. Off I went, well on my way to a faceplant while desperately struggling to either get my leg in or out of the damn panty hole! As anyone who has lost their balance can attest, the next impulse is to try to recover by taking a step in the direction of the impending faceplant. Well I only had one foot to step with so now I was doing the hopping flamingo yoga stepette all the way down the hall. I am convinced it was all done with utmost grace. It didn’t look like I was going to recover from this anytime soon and all I could see was the extremely hard looking tiles that I was now destined to crack my head open on. You know when suddenly everything seems to switch back and forth from that life-in-slow-motion feeling to your-whole-life-flashing-before-your-eyes-in-an-instant feeling? Yeah, well so that’s what was going on. I don’t remember what I was thinking other than, “Which damn toe is stuck in this panty hole and how????”. Then the headlines flashed before my eyes. “Local woman cracks her head open while putting on panty”. I was just trying to find a solution. Did it dawn on me to let go of the panty? No, not once!! Oh no, not me. I was hanging on to those things for dear life like they were somehow going to save me. Meanwhile, all that tile in the bathroom was awaiting me. I could have let go and grabbed onto a wall or a door handle or maybe even get my other leg to come down to the ground. But no, hang on to those killer panties. Don’t let them them get away!!! At the last minute, just inches from the bathtub, I came to a screeching halt. All that yoga that I don’t do finally kicked in and I miraculously regained my balance.
Do you have any idea how much you sweat during a life or death activity such as putting on some underwear? I had to start the day over again. When I went to put my panties on for the second time, I decided to sit on my bed…like someone my age should apparently naturally do. Seriously, why stand when you can sit and save a life? In the end, I had to throw out those lethal underwear because the left leg hole was now one and a half times the circumference of my left thigh. The good news is that those things are made of some super industrial cloth that will not rip no matter the force used on them. Who needs the gym when you can just put on a panty and be done with it! And that was how I productively primed my day. I invented a brand new yoga pose and almost mastered it. It’s high time they put appropriate warnings on the labels to save others from potentially suffering “death by panty”, don’t you think?