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You Go Girl

Last fall I was on a video shoot, outdoors.  It was a bit chilly that day and I’d had one too many coffees.  I’d been hoping to make it to the end of the shoot but at one point I just couldn’t think straight anymore, I had to relieve myself.  As good fortune would have it, the city had kindly placed a portable toilet nearby for public use.  They like to call them Port-o-lets in these parts, and I absolutely despise those things.  What with my bionic nose and the fact that often it’s just a filthy thing with no paper, I avoid them at all costs.  But since I had no other options, we were shooting in a public park, I had to let go of my issues and attend to my needs.  Off I went.

Of course, upon my return, I couldn’t resist the urge to let my sentiments about those adorable little huts be known.  And when I decide that I’m going to air my grievances, there is rarely a doubt in anyone’s mind about how I’m feeling about the situation at hand.  That day, somewhere in my tirade, I believe I casually mentioned how wonderful it would be sometimes to just be able to sneak quickly behind a tree, whip out a penis and be done with it.  I must have made an impression because less than a month later, a good friend of mine who was at the shoot that day, showed up with a “gift”.  It was a “portable” rubber penis specifically designed for women.  It’s called a Go Girl!  She thought this would alleviate the trauma I apparently suffer when I have no choice but to use a public toilet, especially when it’s in the form of an urban outhouse!!  It’s fun to have good friends, no?  I really appreciated the thought and the gesture but I admit, it took me until now, nine months later, to actually open the package and have a closer look at this product…

You Go GirlLast week I finally did it.  It was time to honour and truly appreciate my friend’s gesture and give this thing a go.  So I opened up the package and the pink rubber penis sortof popped out in my hands (btw, click on the image if you really want to get a good feel for this gender changer).  It was rolled up in the cylindrical packaging.  I read the instructions and inspected this device.  There’s a little baggie that comes with it so that when you’re finished your business, you can store it.  After spending a good 10 minutes just observing this thing, I rolled it back up and put it back in the cylinder.  Four days later, there it stood staring at me and I felt guilty that I still hadn’t tried it out.  There was no way I was going to just plop this thing in my purse and try it one day behind a tree or something.  No, I needed to get a feel for it first.  But somehow, in my mind, it was like trying it out required just the right moment or the right circumstances, I don’t know.  Honestly, how long could it possibly take to try this pink rubber schlong out in the privacy of my own home?  You’d have thought it was some kind of major undertaking!

At last, it was enough.  I picked it up and brought it to the bathroom.  I washed it thoroughly and carefully placed it by the toilet, ready for my next trip to the bathroom.  I went back to whatever I was doing until it was time.  Off I went to the bathroom.  First I picked up the triangular penis and held it in my hand just the way they said in the instructions.  Then I realized I was standing the wrong way.  It works better when you’re facing the toilet.  As soon as I turned around, I felt confused.  Nevermind, carry on.  I unbutton my pants and pull them down.  I go to place this thing into position when I realize that this is not going to work because I need to get underneath, between my legs.  It’s not so obvious when your pants are down around your knees.  Well maybe it is but I wasn’t feeling safe.  So, I put the thing down and get my pants right off.  Now I’m standing there in my shirt and socks in front of the toilet.  I pick it back up and spread my legs so I can be sure to fully secure it into position.  I didn’t want any leakage.  At this point I’ve got to pee like the wind!!  But wait, how do I know that I’m going to have enough propulsion going to actually land my piss into the bowl?  I don’t think I’m close enough.  I move closer into position, totally straddling the bowl now.  Good thing I’d taken off my pants!  OMG, I’m going to be 50 this year and I’ve been pissin’ every day of my life for all these years, and here I am questioning my propulsion capacity!!!  How did this get so complicated?  Okay, now I’m ready and I fire away.  Well, lo and behold, it works!!  No spillage and I’m actually peeing standing up.  It’s definitely not as graceful and fluid as the men do it, but it’s working…

Once my bladder was completely empty, not only did I feel a great sense of relief, but there was a strange sense of joy that I had done it, it had worked and it was now over!!  But then…I got stuck.  Now I’ve got this thing jammed between my legs and it’s dripping out the one end.  Am I supposed to just flick or what?  There were no instructions for that.  It just says to plop it in the baggie.  Ooof, I don’t think so.  For a moment I wasn’t sure what to do and then I had a massive epiphany…grab some toilet paper!!!  Not even half a second later, I realize that shit, nevermind the penis, I still have to wipe.  Oh fuck!  It had never crossed my mind that I’d have to wipe.  Somehow now that I had a “penis” to work with, it was as if wiping was no longer required.  And do you think they mention any of that in the instructions?  No.  Really, the only way to get a feel for it is to do it.  So now I’m still strung across the bowl with this thing in my right hand, the paper is on the right side, I need to wipe and I need to get this dripping thing over to the sink without dripping it everywhere.  I’ll spare you the details of how I managed all that but let’s just say that there was some confusion now.  It’s not as simple as one might think to get the mind to switch genders just like that, or maybe the mind knows that it’s a fake.  At last I’m now at the sink, still with my pants down, cleaning out my rubber penis.  Ten minutes to pee!!  Of course, the point of this gadget is not necessarily to save time.

So, my conclusion?  Well, it does work and I suppose that if I was driving across the prairies and needed to relieve myself, it would be somewhat more dignified than squatting by the side of the open road.  Of course you still have to wipe and I’m not sure this device can be used simply by pulling one’s zipper down.  So I’d probably still have my ass out there to the world.  With some practice I’m sure I could figure out how to use this thingie without completely taking off my pants.  And I might eventually feel comfortable enough to stand behind the toilet rather than over the toilet.  I don’t know.  Truth be told, I’m happy I finally got it out of the box and tried it.  Will I do it again?  I highly doubt.  But, I’m thinking that I might just put it in the glove compartment of my car anyway.  You just never know when you need a triangular rubber penis…

I had some good fun with it though!!  Now, what kind of funky gift am I going to get for my friend with the bright ideas???

Would you use one?

Kharim

 

4 Comments

  1. Hi Kharim, OMG where do you come up with this stuff. You are so descriptive that I was laughing so hard I was crying. Keep them coming cause I just love reading them.

    Reply
    • Hi Debbie! You’re making me smile… :) Thank you for the great encouragement! Love hearing it!

      Reply
  2. Haha! This is hysterical!! Who would have thought that there would be so much to think about when one has a penis!!

    But now that you’ve tried yours, I have to take mine out and try it!! Surely my experience will go a little more smoothly now that you’ve ironed out all the kinks and paved the path for all of us!! 😉

    Reply
    • Exactly, who would’ve thought! Don’t forget to report back on your experience Sonya. Hopefully you’ll be more adept with yours!!! :)

      Reply

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