Holy shit, I’m completed traumatized! It’s absolutely amazing how down and out, forsaken, forlorn and downright scary one can look when forced to be someone you’re not. I just went to get passport photos taken since I like to have a valid passport at all times. I was excited to do a much better job with the photo this time around since I have to live with it for five years. But ever since they came up with these insane new rules for the photos, I end up with pictures that don’t look a thing like me. And then, inevitably, when I have to show my passport, I get asked to make the same face as in my picture because I’m told I don’t look like myself!! Of course I don’t look like myself…some character came up with the brilliant idea that we should all look like crazed terrorists because that would make it so much simpler to identify those with ill intentions. Right! Common sense prevailed once again…
I’m more of a smiling person than someone who looks like they just got booked into a maximum security prison for life. I usually wear my glasses but if I need to be identified by my passport photo, now I get asked to remove my glasses and stop smiling. I have to make myself look like I just got dragged out some sewer that I’ve been living in for the past three years or something, like my life is absolutely miserable and I haven’t eaten, slept or bathed in months. You should see this picture I just had done!! If you met me on the street looking like that, I’m sure you’ll be hightailing it to the other side of the street convinced that I was about to do you some serious harm. All that’s missing on this photo is a block with a number on it across my chest. You’d think that I hate the world and everyone in it.
Yep, this is one hell of a piece of identification. I can’t even identify with myself and now I have to live with it for another five years. Would you like to tell me what the hell is so wrong with a smile and maybe a bit of flattering lighting??? I hope I’ll be able to get over myself quickly!
On the back of the picture it says, “I certify this to be a true likeness of _____________”. I believe I’m supposed to put my name there and then go and find someone who can, without a shadow of a doubt, see the resemblance. Well, I was just reading through the passport application rules and lo and behold, they have now eliminated the need to have someone certify that the picture is a true likeness of the person who is claiming it’s a picture of them. How fortunate. Clearly people were having trouble getting anyone to see the resemblance to the people in these pictures.
On the upside though, I have to say that it’s probably a great idea to get a passport photo done. That way, whenever you’re having one of those days where you’re feeling shit about yourself, you can look in the mirror and then look at the photo and you’ll immediately feel better. There is no possible way that you can ever be feeling as bad as you look in those passport photos!!! Those photos are a phenomenon unto themselves. And I’m extremely happy that I’m not the person who has to look at photos like those day in day out because I’d be having serious nightmares. Imagine looking at pictures like that all day long. I think I’d end up in therapy!!
I think I need to pour myself a drink…
Update (Feb. 7th): Okay, your wish is my command. I had purposely decided to leave the picture out because I didn’t want to scare myself even more. But here it is…the likeness of me that will allow me to travel about the globe while attempting to convince the authorities that this really is MY passport and that no, I didn’t leave my bags unattended. Come to think of it, I think I’ll have to start telling them that I did in fact leave my bags unattended…that might distract them from asking me to re-enact my likeness. So, don’t you just feel like walking a mile in my shoes? OMG!!! I’m still not over it. Hang on…let me go get the little numbers to put across my chest. How many years do you think I got???